No Good Deed

 Many years ago, I had decided to spend the evening at a local speak-easy. After a short amount of time, I noticed that an old man was quite inebriated. The barkeep asked me if I would see to getting the man to his home. I thought that I would be performing a gallant deed and I would be king for a day.  

He happened to live in a dangerous part of the city and I was concerned for our safety. The man had passed out in my car and I had to shake him to ask which apartment was his.   He incoherently said something to the effect of, "Third floor... number 12."  

Then, he passed out again, but I had a mission to complete. He was a frail fellow so I pulled him out of the car and hoisted him over my shoulder. Step by step I struggled up the stairways and I was running short of breath as I neared the top floor.   

I thought to myself, "It is I that will be the victor. Yes, I am the hero. I am Superman. Yes, a super Superman."  

I got him to the door and shook him again. He mumbled something but I could not make out what he had said. He repeated it several times until I finally understood what he was telling me.   

What he had said rang through my brain muscle in disbelief. I was not the hero. I was neither super nor Superman. King for a day was now vastly out of reach. The disbelief became a frustration. Frustration became anger. 

 I thought, "Why? Why me? What did I do that was so horrendous that I deserved this?"  

You see, the man had said, "This is the wrong #%$@*#$ building, @$$#@&%"  

I begrudgingly got him to his apartment, the correct one, and the proverbial lesson was learned: No good deed goes unpunished.

Sadly, this is a true story – a rarity from me.

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The Hidden Danger Of Toothpaste

Without cascading through the tightly woven tapestry of my teeth brushing rules of engagement, I will share a little anecdote that proves that I am just life's ball of yarn. As I attempted to squeeze toothpaste out of its container and onto the bristles of my tooth brushing stick, I thought to myself, "It appears that the government did a reality check on Reality."


I chuckled for a moment and then I became frustrated insofar as the toothpaste would not exit the cylinder. I applied more pressure and thought, "With over one-half century of applying toothpaste to a toothbrush, why am I failing so miserably today?"


Next, I rolled it up from the bottom toward the top to no avail. So, I did what I always do in these sort of occasions; I smashed it with my hand. This action proved to be unfavorable as the toothpaste shot straight into my eyes.


Well, the recoil from this toothpaste assault caused me to fall backward into the shower. Of course, the shower curtain had surrounded me as I was gasping for oxygen. Then, two bottles of Head & Shoulders fell off the shelf and hit me in the head and shoulders.


No one heard my grisly shrieks for help so I did what I thought was the correct thing to do given these turn of events – I took a nap.


When I woke up, the sun was gleaming on one side of my face and I struggled to unravel myself from my blankets. When I got up and looked into the mirror, I noticed that my eyes were brighter than usual and had a certain sparkle to them. Isn't that nifty?


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Hot Dog From Hell!

Hot Dog From Hell!

I was at the Burger King drive-thru today and the speaker said, “Will that complete your order?”

I said, “Yes.”

She responded with, “Would you like to add an all-beef hot dog for $1.00 today?”

Me: “Can I change my answer?”

“What answer?”

“You asked me if my order was complete and I said yes. I would like to change that answer to 'no' and add the all-beef $1.00 hot dog. I need that all-beef $1.00 hot dog. My day depends on that all-beef $1.00 hot dog. My life depends on that all-beef $1.00 hot dog. Why would you let me complete my order and then ask if I want an all-beef $1.00 hot dog? Might I suggest that henceforth, you offer the all-beef $1.00 hot dog before you ask if my order is complete? It's just good hot dog offer etiquette. Now, cancel my order and I will drive around and start this process over again – let's get it right this time, punk!”

Moments later: “Sorry, sir, we just ran out of hot dogs because they were on special for $1.00. You should have come earlier.”

Well, wasn't that a swift kick in the shorts... smh...

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