No Good Deed

 Many years ago, I had decided to spend the evening at a local speak-easy. After a short amount of time, I noticed that an old man was quite inebriated. The barkeep asked me if I would see to getting the man to his home. I thought that I would be performing a gallant deed and I would be king for a day.  

He happened to live in a dangerous part of the city and I was concerned for our safety. The man had passed out in my car and I had to shake him to ask which apartment was his.   He incoherently said something to the effect of, "Third floor... number 12."  

Then, he passed out again, but I had a mission to complete. He was a frail fellow so I pulled him out of the car and hoisted him over my shoulder. Step by step I struggled up the stairways and I was running short of breath as I neared the top floor.   

I thought to myself, "It is I that will be the victor. Yes, I am the hero. I am Superman. Yes, a super Superman."  

I got him to the door and shook him again. He mumbled something but I could not make out what he had said. He repeated it several times until I finally understood what he was telling me.   

What he had said rang through my brain muscle in disbelief. I was not the hero. I was neither super nor Superman. King for a day was now vastly out of reach. The disbelief became a frustration. Frustration became anger. 

 I thought, "Why? Why me? What did I do that was so horrendous that I deserved this?"  

You see, the man had said, "This is the wrong #%$@*#$ building, @$$#@&%"  

I begrudgingly got him to his apartment, the correct one, and the proverbial lesson was learned: No good deed goes unpunished.

Sadly, this is a true story – a rarity from me.

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The Hidden Danger Of Toothpaste

Without cascading through the tightly woven tapestry of my teeth brushing rules of engagement, I will share a little anecdote that proves that I am just life's ball of yarn. As I attempted to squeeze toothpaste out of its container and onto the bristles of my tooth brushing stick, I thought to myself, "It appears that the government did a reality check on Reality."


I chuckled for a moment and then I became frustrated insofar as the toothpaste would not exit the cylinder. I applied more pressure and thought, "With over one-half century of applying toothpaste to a toothbrush, why am I failing so miserably today?"


Next, I rolled it up from the bottom toward the top to no avail. So, I did what I always do in these sort of occasions; I smashed it with my hand. This action proved to be unfavorable as the toothpaste shot straight into my eyes.


Well, the recoil from this toothpaste assault caused me to fall backward into the shower. Of course, the shower curtain had surrounded me as I was gasping for oxygen. Then, two bottles of Head & Shoulders fell off the shelf and hit me in the head and shoulders.


No one heard my grisly shrieks for help so I did what I thought was the correct thing to do given these turn of events – I took a nap.


When I woke up, the sun was gleaming on one side of my face and I struggled to unravel myself from my blankets. When I got up and looked into the mirror, I noticed that my eyes were brighter than usual and had a certain sparkle to them. Isn't that nifty?


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Hot Dog From Hell!

Hot Dog From Hell!

I was at the Burger King drive-thru today and the speaker said, “Will that complete your order?”

I said, “Yes.”

She responded with, “Would you like to add an all-beef hot dog for $1.00 today?”

Me: “Can I change my answer?”

“What answer?”

“You asked me if my order was complete and I said yes. I would like to change that answer to 'no' and add the all-beef $1.00 hot dog. I need that all-beef $1.00 hot dog. My day depends on that all-beef $1.00 hot dog. My life depends on that all-beef $1.00 hot dog. Why would you let me complete my order and then ask if I want an all-beef $1.00 hot dog? Might I suggest that henceforth, you offer the all-beef $1.00 hot dog before you ask if my order is complete? It's just good hot dog offer etiquette. Now, cancel my order and I will drive around and start this process over again – let's get it right this time, punk!”

Moments later: “Sorry, sir, we just ran out of hot dogs because they were on special for $1.00. You should have come earlier.”

Well, wasn't that a swift kick in the shorts... smh...

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911 Call from a Coffin

                                                911 Call from a Coffin

After weeks of training, I was ready to start my new career as a casket builder. “The Coffin Cobbler” was the name chosen for my postmortem carpentered casket-catering corporation. But, my boxes for breathless bodies are for the long neglected expired Loxodonta - elephants. They deserve to be sent off to elephant heaven with dignity also.

I received my ordered shipment of 10 tons of lumber to build a few coffins to have at the ready if the need should arise.

I was working on top of the near-finished kiosk -- which stands at 15 feet tall -- when I inadvertently slipped. As my gravitational pull thrust me toward the bottom I thought; The number one cause of death for geese flying into turbine jet engines is geese flying into turbine jet engines.

The most popular methodology of suicide for unhappy geese is flying into turbine jet engines.
The most popular reason for turbine jet engines stalling and causing planes to emergency land is geese flying into turbine jet engines and geese flying into turbine jet engines to commit suicide.

Note to self: The most popular reason for geese committing suicide by flying into turbine jet engines is geese reading my inane stories.

Next, I plummeted to the bottom of the casket that met me egregiously. The vibration of my inertia meeting wood was likened to a 9.9 Richter scaled Tsunami and it rattled not only my brain, but the half-open lid was now two halves closed.

While fading in and out of consciousness, I remember thinking; “The leading cause of death for coyotes parachuting without a parachute is coyotes parachuting without a parachute.”

Then I imagined: “I’m having a raffle for Ruffles called “Russell’s Ruffle Raffle”. I’m raffling Ruffles for the Ruffles Russell Foundation. Raffling Ruffles for Russell’s Ruffle Raffle will raise money for Ruffles Russell Foundation. Russell’s Ruffle Raffle for Ruffles Russell Foundation is sponsored by… Pringles.”

Pitch dark, no one around, countless injuries, and I was wearing sunglasses. My only resolve was to make an ambulatory 911 call from a casket and attempt to be believable when I can barely believe it myself.

“Hello, Alcoholics Anonymous, can I help you?’

Me – “Sorry, wrong number. But while I have you, can you tell me where the nearest liquor store is? Somebody there has got to know"

"CLICK!"

Wow, those AA people are wicked testy.”

I dialed again; 911 – “Hello”

I replied – “Hi 911, are you busy? Lol, I seemed to have fallen and I can’t get up, in a coffin.”

911 – “CLICK.”

Woe is me – This… this is not my day.

	Inbox		x

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Trump Meets Captain Kirk

Captain Kirk: Scotty, man the transporter.

Scotty: Aye captain.

Kirk: Okay, how many fingers am I holding up?

Scotty: %#&$ you too, captain!

Kirk: LOL! Just checking to see if you were sober. Beam us down to ahhh, where? Oh, a place called Trump Towers.

(Crew appears in The Donald’s office.)

Kirk: Bones… Scotty… Spock!

Spock: OMG WHAT! Damn, why do you have to yell like that?

Kirk: For theatrical effect. Anyway, is that the leader of planet Earth?

Bones: No Jim, but he thinks he is.

(Trump spins around in his chair and faces the crew.)

Kirk: Good God! Bones, help him, there’s a Tribble on the top of his head! And, his lips are swollen and puckered, I think he’s choking to death!

Spock: No captain, I Googled his pic before we left. This is how he looks.

Kirk: Really? On purpose?

Trump: I can hear you Captain Klutz. Now, how much did your ship cost?

Kirk: Oh, well, back in 2050 it was 5 or 6 billion, I believe.

(Trump jumps up and leans forward) I’ll pay double for that sweet ride!

Kirk: OMG! His head, it looks like there’s a Muppet on his head! A Muppet that was washed and spun dry! I think it tried to attack me! Phasers on stun… fire!

Trump: (Dazed and smoldering) WTF was that all about? Trigger happy SOB’s! YOU’RE FIRED!

Spock: Live short and asphyxiate @$$#0l%....

Trump: CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED!

Okay, that’s enough…

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Microwave Popcorn Has Hidden Danger

The Danger Of Microwave Popcorn

I tossed in my bag of popcorn in and awaited the cooking process with much anticipation. I stepped outside for a minute to get a lung-full of fresh air. A local skunk ruined this idea so I headed back to the kitchen.

I was joyously looking forward to my beloved popcorn and when I entered the kitchen, I heard angel-harp music and it was like the sun was giving off its warm rays of gleaming magnificence that shone only on me. I wasn’t far off, I mean the sun is a giant ball of fire, just as my kitchen was.

Take my advice; if your microwave breaks down, DO NOT put a bag of microwave popcorn in a toaster oven. The repercussions can be quite deleterious and ruin your day. The good news; every single kernel was completely popped – no seeds.

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First Grade Nightmare, LOL

I remember back in the day when I was in first grade. It was either my second or third year of first grade, I think. Anyway, I was 10 or 11 years old and my teacher approached me in a class discussion.

She asked,  "If you had $10.00 and you loaned me $5.00, how much

money would you have?

I thought for a second, I started to tremble, then I freaked out and started crying.

Teacher said, “What’s wrong?”

I said, “Well, if I had $10.00, that would mean I stole it from my mom’s pocketbook again. Then she’d find out and give me a whooping. I’d be grounded from watching The Three Stooges on Saturday mornings for about a month and I’d go to bed without dinner for that same amount of time and cry myself to sleep each night while my stomach was screaming for food until I could feel the bile from my gut reach up and singe my tonsils to near asphyxiation that would lead to tonsillitis and they’d have to be removed and while I’m in the hospital that time wouldn’t count against my grounding time so when I got back home I couldn’t have ice cream while my throat was killing me – all, because you wanted to borrow five freaking dollars from me, teacher.”

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