911 Call from a Coffin

                                                911 Call from a Coffin

After weeks of training, I was ready to start my new career as a casket builder. “The Coffin Cobbler” was the name chosen for my postmortem carpentered casket-catering corporation. But, my boxes for breathless bodies are for the long neglected expired Loxodonta - elephants. They deserve to be sent off to elephant heaven with dignity also.

I received my ordered shipment of 10 tons of lumber to build a few coffins to have at the ready if the need should arise.

I was working on top of the near-finished kiosk -- which stands at 15 feet tall -- when I inadvertently slipped. As my gravitational pull thrust me toward the bottom I thought; The number one cause of death for geese flying into turbine jet engines is geese flying into turbine jet engines.

The most popular methodology of suicide for unhappy geese is flying into turbine jet engines.
The most popular reason for turbine jet engines stalling and causing planes to emergency land is geese flying into turbine jet engines and geese flying into turbine jet engines to commit suicide.

Note to self: The most popular reason for geese committing suicide by flying into turbine jet engines is geese reading my inane stories.

Next, I plummeted to the bottom of the casket that met me egregiously. The vibration of my inertia meeting wood was likened to a 9.9 Richter scaled Tsunami and it rattled not only my brain, but the half-open lid was now two halves closed.

While fading in and out of consciousness, I remember thinking; “The leading cause of death for coyotes parachuting without a parachute is coyotes parachuting without a parachute.”

Then I imagined: “I’m having a raffle for Ruffles called “Russell’s Ruffle Raffle”. I’m raffling Ruffles for the Ruffles Russell Foundation. Raffling Ruffles for Russell’s Ruffle Raffle will raise money for Ruffles Russell Foundation. Russell’s Ruffle Raffle for Ruffles Russell Foundation is sponsored by… Pringles.”

Pitch dark, no one around, countless injuries, and I was wearing sunglasses. My only resolve was to make an ambulatory 911 call from a casket and attempt to be believable when I can barely believe it myself.

“Hello, Alcoholics Anonymous, can I help you?’

Me – “Sorry, wrong number. But while I have you, can you tell me where the nearest liquor store is? Somebody there has got to know"

"CLICK!"

Wow, those AA people are wicked testy.”

I dialed again; 911 – “Hello”

I replied – “Hi 911, are you busy? Lol, I seemed to have fallen and I can’t get up, in a coffin.”

911 – “CLICK.”

Woe is me – This… this is not my day.

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Trump Meets Captain Kirk

Captain Kirk: Scotty, man the transporter.

Scotty: Aye captain.

Kirk: Okay, how many fingers am I holding up?

Scotty: %#&$ you too, captain!

Kirk: LOL! Just checking to see if you were sober. Beam us down to ahhh, where? Oh, a place called Trump Towers.

(Crew appears in The Donald’s office.)

Kirk: Bones… Scotty… Spock!

Spock: OMG WHAT! Damn, why do you have to yell like that?

Kirk: For theatrical effect. Anyway, is that the leader of planet Earth?

Bones: No Jim, but he thinks he is.

(Trump spins around in his chair and faces the crew.)

Kirk: Good God! Bones, help him, there’s a Tribble on the top of his head! And, his lips are swollen and puckered, I think he’s choking to death!

Spock: No captain, I Googled his pic before we left. This is how he looks.

Kirk: Really? On purpose?

Trump: I can hear you Captain Klutz. Now, how much did your ship cost?

Kirk: Oh, well, back in 2050 it was 5 or 6 billion, I believe.

(Trump jumps up and leans forward) I’ll pay double for that sweet ride!

Kirk: OMG! His head, it looks like there’s a Muppet on his head! A Muppet that was washed and spun dry! I think it tried to attack me! Phasers on stun… fire!

Trump: (Dazed and smoldering) WTF was that all about? Trigger happy SOB’s! YOU’RE FIRED!

Spock: Live short and asphyxiate @$$#0l%....

Trump: CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED!

Okay, that’s enough…

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Microwave Popcorn Has Hidden Danger

The Danger Of Microwave Popcorn

I tossed in my bag of popcorn in and awaited the cooking process with much anticipation. I stepped outside for a minute to get a lung-full of fresh air. A local skunk ruined this idea so I headed back to the kitchen.

I was joyously looking forward to my beloved popcorn and when I entered the kitchen, I heard angel-harp music and it was like the sun was giving off its warm rays of gleaming magnificence that shone only on me. I wasn’t far off, I mean the sun is a giant ball of fire, just as my kitchen was.

Take my advice; if your microwave breaks down, DO NOT put a bag of microwave popcorn in a toaster oven. The repercussions can be quite deleterious and ruin your day. The good news; every single kernel was completely popped – no seeds.

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First Grade Nightmare, LOL

I remember back in the day when I was in first grade. It was either my second or third year of first grade, I think. Anyway, I was 10 or 11 years old and my teacher approached me in a class discussion.

She asked,  "If you had $10.00 and you loaned me $5.00, how much

money would you have?

I thought for a second, I started to tremble, then I freaked out and started crying.

Teacher said, “What’s wrong?”

I said, “Well, if I had $10.00, that would mean I stole it from my mom’s pocketbook again. Then she’d find out and give me a whooping. I’d be grounded from watching The Three Stooges on Saturday mornings for about a month and I’d go to bed without dinner for that same amount of time and cry myself to sleep each night while my stomach was screaming for food until I could feel the bile from my gut reach up and singe my tonsils to near asphyxiation that would lead to tonsillitis and they’d have to be removed and while I’m in the hospital that time wouldn’t count against my grounding time so when I got back home I couldn’t have ice cream while my throat was killing me – all, because you wanted to borrow five freaking dollars from me, teacher.”

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The Booze, Ooze, And Snooze Machine - LOL

I’ve come up with new contraption that will revolutionize parenting. It’s the new “Caffeinated Booze, Ooze, and Snooze!” It’s an intravenous system that can be adjusted to any mood. 

Just attach the apparatus and when you wake up in the morning, switch the button to ‘heavy dose’ on the caffeine knob and you’re wide awake in seconds. 

Is your boss giving you trouble? Go ahead and flick on the hallucinogenic knob and shazam, it oozes into your vein and you just don’t give a &#!% what he or she says anymore. This mode comes in handy when those pesky kids are driving you nuts, too. In severe cases, just shove the tube into their arms and out cold they go.

At days end when you’re all hopped up on caffeine and hallucinogens, just flick to the moon shine mode and you’ll be snoozing in seconds. 

But wait! Order now and get a free maladjusted crack smoking monkey!

*Warnings: Risk of non-survival has been recorded. Unemployment rate of users is 99.9%. Wanting to operate heavy machinery and driving a vehicle is wildly high. Life expectancy is 3 – 5 years after purchase. Keep totally IN reach of children.

www.sedate.clam

1-800-Buz-Fast


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Auto-Man Correct App

Men, have you ever done or said the wrong thing to a woman and have regretted it ever since? That might possibly be the dumbest question of all time – the answer is unequivocally YES!

Well then, my new app will spare you of these incidences. Simply strap the apparatus around your neck and click on the app.

Let’s say you see a woman with a large shirt on, but she is an XXXXL woman. You instantly start to say, “Nice shirt, got one that fits?” However, the second that thought was formed in your brain muscle, 20,000 volts was released into your body.

How about your wife saying that her face cream makes her look young and you attempt to say, “Does it work?”

Before you uttered a word it was ZZZZZZZT! And you were spared the lifetime memory of your would-be mistake.

I am a non-attorney spokesperson, and I disapprove this post.

1-800-ZZip-Zap (Fake number)
WWW.LoserBeDown.crumb (Fake site)
Inventor: (Fake inventor)

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