I’ve come up with new contraption that will revolutionize parenting. It’s the new “Caffeinated Booze, Ooze, and Snooze!” It’s an intravenous system that can be adjusted to any mood.
Just attach the apparatus and when you wake up in the morning, switch the button to ‘heavy dose’ on the caffeine knob and you’re wide awake in seconds.
Is your boss giving you trouble? Go ahead and flick on the hallucinogenic knob and shazam, it oozes into your vein and you just don’t give a &#!% what he or she says anymore. This mode comes in handy when those pesky kids are driving you nuts, too. In severe cases, just shove the tube into their arms and out cold they go.
At days end when you’re all hopped up on caffeine and hallucinogens, just flick to the moon shine mode and you’ll be snoozing in seconds.
But wait! Order now and get a free maladjusted crack smoking monkey!
*Warnings: Risk of non-survival has been recorded. Unemployment rate of users is 99.9%. Wanting to operate heavy machinery and driving a vehicle is wildly high. Life expectancy is 3 – 5 years after purchase. Keep totally IN reach of children.
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